Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS)
In a nutshell, Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) occurs when demands on the mother increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened. In other words, her buttons begin to get pushed so quickly and so often that she becomes worn out and frazzled (sounds familiar?)
First introduced in the book Mother Nurture – written by Dr. Jan Hanson, Dr. Rick Hanson and Dr. Ricki Pollycove, Depleted Mother Syndrome has been shedding light on many of the difficulties mothers struggle with regularly.
While often experienced by mothers of young children, it is important to note that DMS is by no means limited to new parents as it can be experienced by all parents and caregivers, no matter the child’s age.
Increased Demands
* Mothers today juggle more tasks, work longer, and sleep less than their own mothers did.
* Mothers are on call 24 hours a day, without sick days, mental health days, weekends, or vacations.
* The roles of the mother include: coordinator of home life, social life, and children; counsellor, event organizer, playmate, cook, cleaner, shopper, book-keeper, extended family liaison, night watcher, lover, etc.
* Many mothers also work full-time jobs, in addition to the many tasks of motherhood.
* The average mother works 20 more hours per week than her partner, whether she is drawing a paycheck or not.
* Mothers are often put under a microscope, and expected to have super-human powers, and resilience. High expectations from society, their own culture, themselves, their husbands, and other moms create guilt, and a feeling of never being good enough.
* Research shows that mothers take parenting-related events more personally than fathers (ever feel terribly ashamed when your son/daughter has a tantrum at the grocery store? would your husband feel the same?)
* Mothers may also be recovering from pregnancy, breastfeeding, and/or weaning – all of which deplete you physically and psychologically.
* Changes in physical appearance due to pregnancy, and weaning often negatively affect body-image, and self-esteem.
* Mothers often find it difficult to maintain their professional status after becoming parents.
Decreased Resources
* One of the negative consequences of urban sprawl is isolation. We live far from family and friends, and we are less connected with our community.
* The relationship with our significant other becomes more stressed, cold and distanced. Statistically, couples with children have 8 times more arguments than couples without children.
* Mothers have very little self-time to re-charge through rest, or doing fun activities.
* Many mothers have few opportunities for exercise – to release stress and keep the body strong.
* Mothers’ diet is often rushed and unbalanced – grabbing whatever they can, and as quickly as possible.
* Sleep deprivation and sleep disturbances (interrupted REM sleep) have long lasting and detrimental effects on the mother including depression, weakened immune system and high blood pressure.
The result: Increased Emotional Sensitivity
* Your buttons get pushed quickly, and frequently. Every little thing that goes wrong makes you angry, hurt, or depressed.
* All the negative beliefs about yourself as a parent, a partner, and a person get heightened –I am not a good enough parent/wife/me.
Your fears get magnified – what am I doing wrong? What if something bad happens to the kids?
* All the disappointments, shame, and anger rise up to the surface – I thought this would be easier, everyone else can do it – why can’t I?
* Grief gets magnified over everything you lost since becoming a mom: professional status, body, old self, feeling sexy, friends’ support…
* Old wound get opened up. When sensitivity is at a high, emotional traumas from the past are often remembered, and re-experienced.
* Automatic coping mechanisms get engaged. Knee-jerk reactions (you hurt me, I hurt you back), and fight-or-flight reactions are much more easily accessible than mindful actions and empathy.
What is depleted mother syndrome?
